Corner of the World 25: By Any Other Name

"Hello, Mr. Luthor," Mabel greeted as Lex stepped inside the house. She was carrying a tray, smiling at him.

"Mabel," he responded with a polite nod. Shrugging off his coat, he flung it on a nearby piece of furniture and stretched. It had been a long week, and Lex was glad it was Friday. What with the Nicodemus flower infecting Jonathan and Lana, trying to find a cure, and trying to keep his association with Hamilton a secret from Clark, Lex was exhausted and tense. The worst part of it all was the fact that he'd failed to keep the secret; as soon as he swore to Clark that he had no idea who Hamilton was, his lover had gently ^touched^ his mind and found out the truth.

Clark had felt hurt. And betrayed. Then he'd slammed Lex against the wall, knocking him out. After that he'd seemed happier, but Lex wasn't sure everything was all right. It was Friday, and Clark hadn't called to confirm that he was coming over that night. And that disturbed Lex more than he wanted to admit.

Faced with the possibility of a night without Clark, all Lex wanted to do was curl up in bed with something alcoholic and drink himself into a stupor.

Stifling a yawn, he asked, "What's that?" nodding at the tray.

"It's for Clark," she responded, sounding surprised that he asked. "He came over a few hours ago, and I made him dinner."

A jolt ran through Lex, but he managed to hide it. He'd assumed Clark would be too angry to come over that week-end after everything that had happened.

Clearing his throat, Lex said, "Clark's here? Where?"

"Your room, I think. He came in the side door like usual, told me what he wanted for dinner, then headed upstairs. That's the last I've heard of him."

Nodding, Lex said, "Thanks, Mabel. I'll go ahead and take the tray up. Is there enough for me?"

"Of course."

He smiled. "Thanks."

"I haven't made dessert yet. Would you like me to do that and bring it up to you?"

"No thanks; we'll come down if we get hungry."

Mabel nodded. "Very good, sir." Transferring the tray to him, she smiled and said, "Have a good night." Turning, she went back to the kitchen.

Lex went up the stairs, mentally shaking his head over Mabel's comment. Mabel had a knack for never being sarcastic about anything Clark. It had been almost impossible to keep their relationship a secret from her. Mabel was the only staff member who lived in the castle, besides Damien, and she loved Clark to boot. Lex had been afraid she would betray them, turning Lex in to the authorities, or blackmailing him with the information she had. In fact, rather than using her knowledge to her own personal advantage, or in a misguided attempt to "protect" Clark, she fully supported their relationship..

"You aren't hurting the boy," she had told Lex and Damien succinctly when they had confronted her. "And he's no fool; Clark knows what he's doing. Besides; I think that it might be good for you both."

That was the last they'd heard from her regarding their relationship. Of course, the hefty bonus probably hadn't hurt.

And so, with the Palmers gone, and the replacement staff living off the grounds, Lex felt as if he and Clark were fairly safe.

That was, if Clark didn't break up with him for being a liar.

Upstairs, Clark was sprawled across the bed on his stomach, sound asleep. He was fully dressed in a long-sleeved flannel shirt, jeans, and socks; one shoe was laying on the floor, the other the bed, as if he had kicked it off and crashed before he checked where it had fallen.

Lex set the tray down and crawled onto the bed. Clark's cheeks were flushed, mouth open slightly as he breathed in and out softly. A thick lock of hair hung over his eyes; reaching out, Lex pushed it away, smoothing his hair back.

Stirring slightly, Clark made a noise, but didn't wake.

"Clark?" Lex called, unsure if he should wake him.

"Mgmm," Clark groaned. Rolling onto his back, one hand flopped onto Lex's leg. Tightening it, he ^pulled^ at Lex, as if trying to draw him into whatever Clark was dreaming.

Heart pounding, Lex scooted away. He knew without having to ask, without having to look, where Clark was. And Lex didn't want to deal with it, didn't want to go.

Removing Clark's hand, Lex turned to the tray. Mabel had made them spaghetti, which he put onto one of the plates. Then, turning on the television, Lex began eating, watching the news.

Three hours passed. Lex, really not paying attention to anything that was going on, was subjected to some truly awful sitcoms. He couldn't believe that anyone would have given Bob Saget one show, much less two, or however many this made.

Clark ^tugged^ at him again.

"No," Lex said, not noticing the terrified edge to his voice.

The sleeping teen did it again.

Furious, Lex pulled the pillow from underneath Clark and whacked him with it.

Snorting, Clark coughed, ^tugged^ at Lex again, then opened his eyes slowly. He sleepily looked around the room, as if unsure of where he was, until his eyes landed on Lex.

He smiled. " Hey."

Warily, Lex clutched the pillow to his side. "Hey. You all right?"

"Tired, but yeah." Sitting up, Clark stretched, yawing hugely. "When did you get home?"

"A few hours ago. You didn't seem to want to wake up, so I let you sleep." Lex slid down so he was stretched out next to Clark.

Immediately, Clark rolled onto his side, draping his leg and arm over Lex's body. Snuggling against him, Clark kissed his cheek. "Where were you?"

"Work."

"Work?"

Lex shrugged. "I had to get Hamilton out of Smallville and under closer supervision. I bought a lab a few months ago, so I put him there. I figured it'd be better to get him into a more structured situation." No reason to pretend he had no association with Hamilton, his previous lie notwithstanding; Clark knew, why bother to pretend otherwise?

"Oh," Clark responded quietly. "What's he going to do with the flowers?"

"I burned those. I burned all of them when he wasn't in his lab. No fucking way was I going to allow them to fall into my father's hands."

Clark released Lex. "And that's your only concern." He rolled away, sitting up.

"No, angel, it isn't." Lex rose, draping his body over Clark's. "My first concern is that no one ever gets hurt by them again. But, on a similar vein, if Dad got one, he'd hurt a lot of people."

"Why did he make those anyway?"

"Hamilton?" Lex shrugged, kissing Clark's neck. "I hired him to study meteor rocks, but didn't give him many specifics. So, he decided that meant to bring back extinct flowers." Lex sighed. "Like I said, I should have supervised him more."

"Why do you want him to study the rocks?"

"Somebody has to, Clark. There are mutants running everywhere; someone needs to know how these rocks work, what the long term effects might be, and how it can be reversed. Plus, you know that compound I've been working on?"

Clark twisted his head to look up at Lex. "I thought you'd finished that."

Lex shrugged. "Well, yes and no. I got the formula down, and it looks like it should do what it's supposed to, but not in the presence of the meteors. Dad can't do anything with the fertilizer until I've done a first test run out of a laboratory situation, and he bought land that was heavily hit during the shower for me to run the tests on. I've been trying to convince him that he's being an ass, but he wants me to keep going. Hamilton is helping me compensate for the rocks."

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I didn't think it concerned you."

Clark pulled away. "You hid it from me," he said accusingly.

Sighing, Lex shook his head. "Not at first, no. I didn't think there was anything to hide. It was business that didn't concern you."

"Didn't concern me?" Clark repeated incredulously. "Didn't concern me. Lex, you're talking about meteor's that came to Earth the same time as I did, that make me sick, and turn people into crazed mutants. They're my responsibility and I don't want ..."

"They are not your responsibility, Clark!" Lex interrupted loudly. "They aren't. They're rocks that, beyond the fact that they came down with you, have nothing to do with you. Yes, they make you sick, I get that. All the more reason for me to study them to understand why and how they affect you."

Lex knew he had misspoken his intention the moment he said it. Clark's face went pale, eyes wide. Bitter smile playing at his lips, he nodded. "Of course. First the rocks, then me."

Rubbing his temples, Lex shook his head. "Don't be stupid, Clark. I would never ..."

"Right. Just like you would never hurt my family."

"I didn't know what Hamilton was doing, Clark."

"So that means it wasn't your fault, right?" Clark slid of the bed. "You should have known. You shouldn't have had him look at the rocks in the first place."

Lex rose as well. "First of all, it wouldn't have mattered if I had hired Hamilton or not. He's been studying the meteors for the past twelve years. The only thing I did was give him a goal, funding, and the demand that someone read and review all his research. Second, you're right; this was my fault, I should have known. I allowed myself to get too caught up in other things to pay attention like I needed to, and Hamilton took advantage of that inattention to do this. I'm sorry."

Clark turned, arms crossed tightly over his chest. "I really wish you had told me all this months ago."

"I'm sorry. As I said, this was just business to me. I didn't think it concerned you."

"You've told me about business stuff before. Why not this?"

Sighing, Lex shrugged. "Because this is a secret--not necessarily from you, but a secret nonetheless. I didn't want Dad finding out, although now he knows I have someone doing the research. He just doesn't know who or where. And as for not telling you, it just didn't occur to me." Tentatively, Lex stepped closer to Clark, trying to look in his eyes. "I'm telling the truth, Clark. Feel free to check."

Startled, Clark met his eyes. Quickly, he turned away, straightening his body. Taking a deep breath, he said softly, "What kind of person would I be if I couldn't accept your word as truth?"

"Human."

Clark sighed. Staring at the floor, he said, "I believe you, Lex. I have to believe that you wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt me. I have to believe that you really didn't think how it might affect me, because having you be thoughtlessly cruel is a lot better than your doing something that might lead people to hurt me then lie about it."

Stomach and chest tight, Lex went to Clark. Wrapping his arms around Clark's body, Lex whispered into his shoulder, "I never meant to be cruel. But I know how much the rocks upset you, and how responsible you feel for the havoc they wreak. It crossed my mind that it might be better if you didn't know what I was doing, just so you didn't start feeling guilty." He pressed his lips into Clark's neck and whispered, "I'm doing my best not to hurt you, angel."

Clark turned, enveloping Lex in his embrace. "I know. But you have this need to understand everything. I'm just afraid that, one day, your need to know about me is going to override your love."

Involuntarily, Lex's arms tightened. "Never," he said, as visions of his medical charts danced in his head.

"What's that?" Clark asked, pulling away slightly so he could look into Lex's eyes. "What you're thinking about. What is it?"

Cursing internally, Lex answered as evenly as possible, "Dr. Sutton analyzed all my medical charts and gave me copies: the ones she has, and the ones Dominic stole for her from Dr. Pierce. There's been a steady rise of an unknown chemical in my blood since December; it peaked the morning after you healed me the first time. It's fallen some, but is still present."

Clark nodded slowly. Lifting Lex off the floor, he walked them to the bed and sat down, setting Lex in front of him . "It's me, isn't it?"

Lex licked his bottom lip and nodded. "That's my theory. It's just ... I started getting better right after we began sleeping together. It could be a coincidence, but it all seems so sudden. And it's not just my allergies, or the fact that you can heal me; I was healing faster before you did whatever you did that night. I mean, I've been getting consistently beaten up, and it's never taken me much longer than two weeks to recover from anything. And, well, I've been going over my work-out records. My resting heart rate has been going down since December, and I have to work harder to get to my target heart rate. And I don't get tired as easily. The only thing I haven't noticed a difference in, health wise, is my headaches, and those are from tension."

Looking uncertain, Clark began chewing on his thumb. "Am I hurting you?" he asked softly.

"Does it sound like you are?" Lex replied, voice mild.

Flushing, Clark shook his head.

"Right. You're making me a stronger, fitter person. I don't mind that, but I do want to know what's going on."

"Just in case something does go wrong, and it turns out I am hurting you," Clark finished, picking up on Lex's unvoiced thought.

Going with it, Lex nodded. "Yes. There is a slight chance that whatever is happening to me is actually harmful in the long run." Petting Clark's chest, he continued, "I don't think it is, and I certainly hope that it isn't, but it doesn't hurt to know. And that's why I'm having Dr. Sutton run these tests and give them to me to look over. I'm trying to figure out what is going on, and, based on the evidence I have, extrapolate what might happen in the future."

Clark was still chewing on his thumb, looking uncertain and upset. "How," he asked after a moment, "are you going to know what's going on without me?"

Damn Clark for being so bright. "I beg your pardon?" Lex asked, trying to sound puzzled.

Clark didn't repeat his question. He just fixed his eyes on Lex, raised his eyebrow, and looked at him.

Sighing, Lex nodded. "Right. Well, yes, it is a slight problem. This would probably be easier to test if I had samples of ... of what was affecting me. That way I could study the original make-up, compare it to my reactions, and maybe see if it holds true in all accounts."

The silence that followed was frightening. Lex really didn't want to scare Clark by suggesting that Lex might want to examine a part of him, but he had asked Lex the question. Lex wasn't going to baby Clark; he might be only on the verge of being sixteen, but he was smart and mature. He was able to handle their relationship; it was time to start trusting him to handle other adult matters.

"So, you want me to come in a cup, or what?" Clark asked suddenly, breaking the silence. When he raised his eyes, they were sparkling with mischief.

Lex smacked him lightly. "No. I want you to come in me, if you don't mind."

Grabbing Lex's ass and squeezing, Clark murmured, "I plan to," in a voice that made Lex's toes curl. But the moment was brief. Clark released his handful, cocked his head, and said, while looking frankly into Lex's eyes, "No, I mean it. I'm assuming what's affecting you most is my ... uh, semen." He blushed faintly. "Do you want a sample to use in the lab?"

Narrowing his eyes, Lex said, "You told me that you didn't want me experimenting on anything."

The look of confusion quickly passed as Clark recalled the conversation. "That was different. You were saying that you could look at me to help me learn more about me being an ... alien. This is to help you."

It was tempting. Really tempting. For months, ever since he had figured out what Clark was, Lex had been dying to know how he was made. What made him so strong. How his body was different from or similar to humans. Everything. Lex wanted, so very badly, to get Clark into his laboratory and study him.

But.

He loved Clark. Passionately. And, no matter how much his inner scientist might be screaming at him for passing up this opportunity, Lex couldn't do it without Clark's consent and for the right reasons.

"Clark ..."

"Please, Lex. It will help you." Clark kissed him, hand curving around his skull, holding Lex tightly to him. "I trust you, Lex, really. If learning about me will help you, do it." His lips ghosted over the planes of Lex's face.

Squeezing his eyes shut while his stomach clenched with both lust and fear, Lex braced himself on Clark's shoulders and pushed away. "No, Clark."

Clark's hands tightened on Lex's hips. "Why not?"

"Because." Lex opened his eyes. "When I made the offer to study you, I wanted to do it so you would become more comfortable with what you are. You told me that you weren't ready and didn't want to know. I'm going to respect that, even now. The only reason you're offering to allow me to study you is to help me, but that isn't good enough. I need you to want to know about yourself. I've said it before and will again: you need to be comfortable with being an alien, Clark. It's the only way you'll ever truly be complete."

"Oh, like you're one to talk." Clark's voice was rough as he pulled away, drawing his knees to his chest.

Frowning, Lex asked, "What does that mean?"

"It means that you're not comfortable with yourself, either. You can't even face something out of your own mind, and you expect me to accept my being an alien just like that?"

"It's different, Clark, I ..."

"No, it's not, Lex!" Rising from the bed, Clark stood over Lex, glaring at him. "Kiptin is as much a part of you as being an alien is of me. You won't even talk about it. I don't understand any of it. Why does it upset you so much? I mean, I know what you were told, but there's more. You're so hurt when you think about it, and not just because you're scared. It's something else. What?"

Mouth dry, Lex shook his head, taking a step back from Clark.

"Lex, talk to me," Clark said insistently, following Lex.

"I can't." His heart was pounding in his ears, chest hurting. Why couldn't Clark just drop it?

"Yes, you can. If ... if I can face what I am, then you can face this."

Shaking his head still, Lex continued his retreat. He was fighting panic which, of course, just panicked him more. His inhaler was in his pocket, but he couldn't bring himself to reach for it, to admit that he was upset as he was. It would feel too much like failure, although he couldn't exactly think of why.

Hitting the wall, Lex squeezed his eyes shut and breathed in harshly, pain raking from his throat to his chest.

"Lex, breathe," Clark whispered. He placed his hands on either side of Lex's body, pressing his lips to Lex's forehead. "Just calm down and breathe."

Gasping, Lex obeyed. It hurt and his head swam, but he could feel Clark ^sliding^ into him like a cool wave. Lex fought it automatically before his mind caught up with his body and took control. Concentrating on the feel of Clark, Lex managed to relax enough to let his lover in all the way.

Their breathing synchronized gradually, chests rising and falling in a steady rhythm. Eyes still shut, Lex gave himself up, feeling as if he were in free fall. But Clark was there. He was always there to catch Lex, their hearts beating as one, blood flowing together, minds melded and Clark was there and he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't going to leave.

He never had.

The thought crossed Lex's mind unbidden, confusing him, but he brushed it aside when he felt the cool wind brush across his senses. He knew Clark had taken them into Kiptin, even though Lex could still feel the hard wall of his bedroom against his back and the hard wood floor beneath his feet.

/ I'm frightened to know what I am / Clark said softly into his mind. / All my life, I thought I was human. And even though I felt one beat out of step, it was who I was: a Kent, a person, a human being who belonged to the larger species, if not some of the smaller groups I was excluded from. Knowing what I am... it's scary, and I don't want to know. But, at the same time... I get it now. I understand why I've always felt the way I do. And, in some ways, it's more isolating and scary than being an outcast human ever was. /

/Clark.../

/ Let me finish./ Clark kissed him gently. / It's scary, but not as scary as losing myself into that alien half. And that's what I've been doing. I can barely remember what happened the night I healed you. It's like I wasn't there, or I was very far away and not in control. Something--someone else--was. You felt it too. /

/ Yes. /

Clark took a deep breath, causing Lex to inhale deeply as well. Not noticing, Clark continued, / I think it's because I deny every unfamiliar, alien impulse I have. I'm... I'm out of touch with who I really am. No, out of sync would be a better term. I use my powers, I play with them to an extent, but I won't go any deeper than the surface. So, I've been thinking that maybe if I understood how I worked, what I'm made of, maybe I'll be able to understand what I am. And then I won't lose control like that. /

Lex opened his eyes. / I'm glad you want to know, angel, but I still think you want it for the wrong reasons. /

/ You're a part of me, Lex, so, yes, there is a large element where I want to know to protect you. But... I think... no. I know I want to do it for me, too. /

/ If you're certain./

Clark, determined eyes edged with fear gazed back into his. / I'm sure. But... you have to give me something in return. /

Lex's breath caught, causing Clark to gasp in surprise.

/Clark.../

/ Lex, please. You need to explore exactly what Kiptin was. Is. It's not a delusion, I'm certain of that./

/ No, Clark. I've faced it and put it behind me. /

Clark shook his head. / No. You've repressed it, accepted the lies you've been told, and carry it around with you like a black spot on your soul. /

/ I can't. /

/ You're stronger than you think, Lex. And I'll be with you. You won't be alone in this. /

Lex squeezed his eyes shut tightly, feeling Clark course through him. He needed to know, both of them did. Even if it was hard ... Kiptin was always there at the edge of Lex's nightmares, waiting to take control again. And it would never be gone until he faced it, figured it out, took it apart, and put it together again. Just like Lex had done with all the problems in his life that he had conquered. It was only the challenges and heartaches he _hadn't_ faced that visited him in his dreams.

/What do you want me to do?/ Lex asked helplessly.

Clark beamed. / Just tell me about it./ He caressed Lex's cheek. / Just talk. And I'll be there to hold you, keep the nightmares away, keep you safe./

Lips twitching, Lex asked aloud, "Really?" It was needier than Lex would have liked, but Clark pretended not to notice.

Caressing Lex's face, Clark nodded. "Always."

Clark and Lex were curled together in the entertainment room. They had made a snack run before retiring there to sit in front of the fire, a quilt pulled around them. Clark had wanted to stay in the bedroom, but Lex had refused.

"I don't... not here, Clark," was all he would say and Clark, who knew that Lex needed his support, had agreed.

They sat in silence watching the fire for almost an hour. After the first five minutes, Lex had knocked back his Screwdriver, crawled from under the quilt to lay his head in Clark's lap, and gazed at the ceiling. His eyes were turned inward, fingers resting on his stomach as he breathed steadily.

Clark let him be. He could sense his lover's inner turmoil as Lex's mind jumped from place to place. To tell the truth, Clark's mind wasn't exactly the calmest right now either. He couldn't believe that he had said Lex could do experiments on him. That meant that Lex could...well, Clark wasn't exactly sure what it really meant. To him, experiment meant tie him to a table and cut him open with sharp knives. Somehow, Clark didn't think that was exactly what Lex had in mind, but the instinctive fear remained.

Eyes growing heavy, Clark had almost drifted off when Lex broke the silence.

"It was when I was in the coma."

Snapping out of his doze, Clark glanced down at Lex. "Oh?" Sitting up straighter, Clark rubbed his eyes.

"Yeah." His voice was distant, as if he wasn't all there, eyes fixed on the ceiling. "Right after the meteor shower. They got me to a hospital in Metropolis, but I was out for about two weeks. That's when it began."

"What began?"

"Everything. Kiptin. K-Kal." Lex stumbled over the name, saying it with such emotion that Clark marked it for later, but didn't interrupt. "Everything. When I woke up, I told my mom about it. The doctors figured it was like some extended dream I was caught in. They told my parents not to worry, that it was a defense mechanism and I was fine. But then, when I kept going back, Dad insisted I go to a psychologist. He said..."

"I know what he said, Lex," Clark interrupted gently, smoothing his hand over Lex's head. "I don't care about him; I care about you. And Kiptin. I want to know everything about Kiptin. Not what you were told; not what you've decided after the fact. But how you felt about it when you were young and going there."

Sighing, Lex closed his eyes.

"Lex..."

"I know, Clark. I understand what you want. I just..."

"It's not easy." He traced Lex's lips with his finger tip, then caressed the smooth skin of Lex's face. "I know it's not. You made me do something just like this, remember? I know how much it hurts. But you need to talk about it. Just let go of all your hang-ups and fears and tell me."

With another sigh, Lex nodded, turning his head and pressing it harder into Clark's thigh.

Smiling faintly, Clark shifted so he was more comfortable. "Do you remember creating it?"

"No, I woke up, so to speak, in the void where we used to meet. Kiptin came later." Lex fell silent, closing his eyes.

Clark waited for him to speak. When it became obvious Lex wasn't going to, he asked, "How much later?"

Lex stirred slightly. With a sigh, Lex rubbed his eyes. "I have no way of knowing. It felt like forever. I was awake in my mind. So much so, that I could hear what was going on in the real world. I understood that something had happened to me and, when I heard my Dad's voice, I remember withdrawing further, trying to get away because I was convinced I was in trouble. In fact, I was doing my multiplication tables in my head to block him out when Ka-- Kiptin appeared."

Something was wrong with that statement. As Lex had stumbled over the words, his entire body had seized.

Frowning, Clark stroked Lex's forehead, not saying anything.

Lex was tense, shoulders tight, crease between his eyes. His breathing was almost erratic, as if he were fighting something.

Trailing his fingers over the silky skin down to Lex's neck, Clark soothed, "Calm down, Lex. I'm here."

"I know." Lex's voice was strained.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing."

Clark was silent as his hands continued to sooth and pet Lex. He knew Lex didn't like being pushed. And, although there were times when Clark knew it to be necessary, he could tell that it wasn't the right time. Lex had left him alone when Clark couldn't deal with what he was. It was his turn to do the same for Lex.

Pulling Lex up to him, Clark kissed him gently. "Just breathe," he whispered, resting their foreheads together. "Breathe."

Eyes squeezed shut, Lex obeyed. He was pressing his forehead into Clark's so hard that Clark was afraid he would cause himself pain. But he didn't ease up. And, very gradually, the tension in Lex's back eased and his breathing returned to normal.

"I'm here," Clark whispered again, hands caressing Lex's back. He kissed Lex, then dotted a few more kisses on his cheeks.

Lex pulled away. Cocking his head, he opened his eyes and gazed at Clark. "I don't understand you anymore."

Unsure if he was supposed to be hurt or not, Clark simply responded, "What about me don't you understand?"

"Your new habit of not saying anything when I lie." Lex began trailing his fingers up Clark's leg. "You did it with Hamilton, too; I lied right to your face about it, and you knew. Yet... you didn't say anything. And now, you know. Why aren't you getting angry?"

Clark shrugged. "I was angry when you lied about Hamilton. I didn't say anything because ... well, because there wasn't anything to say. You were either going to tell me, or not, and, right then, you chose not to. It hurt, but then, I had other things on my mind. And I know that you care about me and my family. And I knew that-- that what happened wasn't what you wanted. I knew that you would never do anything to hurt us. So, even though I was so angry at you for lying, I let it slide. You knew you were lying, I knew you were lying, and I knew you knew I knew. If I had said anything, we would have gotten into a fight, and neither us wanted that."

"You do know that you're only fifteen, right?" Lex asked, smiling up at Clark wryly. "Technically, you aren't allowed to be this mature."

"I'll be sixteen in three weeks," he responded, mock indignantly. "Besides, you said yourself, there's no way of knowing how old I really am. Or what's normal for me." He brushed his fingers over Lex's scalp. "Maybe being mature is normal for me."

Smiling, Lex took Clark's hand in his. Threading their fingers, he whispered, "Yes. I have no doubt of that."

Clark lifted their hands and kissed the back of Lex's. "As for why I'm not calling you on anything now... you're not really lying. Not exactly. Evading, leaving things out, yes. But not lying. You're... dancing around things, like I've done in the past." Clark shrugged. "I can't get mad. Only patient."

Lex sighed and closed his eyes. "This is hard."

"I never expected it to be anything else. That's why I wanted to stay in the bedroom; I thought it would be more comfortable."

"I like this room. It's where we first made love. I'm rather fond of relaxing here in hopes that happens again."

Smiling, Clark lifted Lex and placed him so he was straddling Clark's lap. "I understand the feeling," he whispered, pulling Lex close.

Lex all but melted into Clark. His kiss was fierce and intense, not with the assurance of a man claiming his property, but with the need to be claimed himself. Clark could feel Lex's heart pounding as he pressed against Clark as if he would crawl inside Clark's skin.

Moaning softly, Clark leaned back against the couch. His hands slid under Lex's shirt, caressing the silky skin underneath.

After a bit, Lex calmed. His heart no longer pounded with anxiety, but with passion. Breaking the kiss, he sighed and laid his head on Clark's shoulder. They didn't speak for a long time.

Dancing his fingers up Lex's backbone, Clark closed his eyes. He had to ask Lex what he was leaving out. It was easy to read the evasions: Kiptin didn't bother Lex half as much as ... well, Clark could only guess it was the mysterious Kal that upset Lex.

The name Kal sent a thrill through Clark every time it was said, but he didn't know why. There wasn't anything remarkable about the name, but, ever since Lex had given Clark his doll, Clark had this feeling . A feeling as if... almost as if he were on the verge of making an important breakthrough. But he didn't know what he was beginning to understand. What's more, Clark wasn't certain that he wanted to.

The last time he'd gotten this feeling was when Lex had hit him. When Clark had emerged unscathed and was even able to rescue Lex, it was as if everything were coming together. All the stray parts of his life that didn't make sense. And, when his father had shown him the ship and told him the truth...

Something in Clark's mind had snapped. He could feel, hear almost, everything in his life fit together. And everything made sense.

That was how he felt when Lex said Kal's name. As if everything were about to make sense again.

For whatever reason, Clark wasn't sure if he wanted things to make sense.

Taking a deep breath, Clark kissed the skin by Lex's ear. He had to face this, had to get through it, and had to get Lex through it. Whatever it was. Clark had made a promise to Lex when he told Lex that he was willing to be experimented on. And that meant he had to do some exploring himself and face his fears, no matter how much he didn't want to know.

"What are you leaving out, Lex?" Clark whispered, closing his eyes tightly.

"I don't want to talk about him." Lex's response was immediate and slightly groggy, as if he were falling asleep.

"So it's... Kal?" Clark asked hesitantly.

Sighing, Lex nodded mutely.

"I know you aren't talking about your doll. Who is he?"

"A ..."

"Don't say a figment of you imagination," Clark interrupted. Lex made a face, informing Clark that he had been correct in his guess. Shaking his head, Clark continued, "We're pretending all of this is real. Everything. I don't care if we eventually discover that Kiptin is made up and we're both crazy; tonight, it's real. Understand?"

Lex nodded, a soft sigh escaping. "I just... don't like talking about him. And I had planned never to do it again."

"Because you were afraid?"

Rubbing his eyes, Lex answered, "It was hard having him taken away from me the first time. It hurt when he left me, but when the psychologists told me... told me that I had made him up." Lex stopped talking, eyes on the floor. "He was so real," he finally whispered. "Flesh and blood and real. They took him away from me and it hurt so much. I swore I would never talk about him again, so no one could ever take him away from me again."

Clark couldn't help it: a wave of jealousy ran through him, hot and hard. Lex loved Kal. It didn't matter if Kal wasn't real, or if he was a little boy that Lex hadn't seen in years. The fact remained that Lex loved him as deeply as he loved Clark--maybe even more. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. Clark was supposed to be Lex's love, not some kid. Clark was the only one who was supposed to have a connection with Lex. The ability to talk to him telepathically, to meet him in a place between dreams and reality.

Clark. No one else. Just him.

For a moment, Clark's mind went dark. All he wanted to do was throw Lex onto the floor and ravish him. Claim his body and mind again, making him see that he belonged to Clark and no one else. He wanted...

Clark fought it back, taking deep breaths. That wasn't what Lex needed right now. He needed someone to listen to him, not pounce on him. As tempting as that might be.

And, as the darkness faded, a thought occurred, "I have a connection with Lex. Me. No one else. What if..."

He gasped as his mind backpedaled from the thought. It happened so fast, he almost didn't realize he'd had the thought in the first place. He knew that there had been an unpleasant thought that left him with a vague sense of panic and unease, but Clark couldn't quite recall what that thought had been.

Lex sat up, looking wary. "You ok?" His eyes were narrowed.

Clearing his throat, Clark nodded and said unconvincingly, "Yeah. I'm fine."

"Clark ..." Lex reached out to touch his face.

Pulling away, Clark shook his head. "Don't," he said harshly. Dredging up the jealousy to hide behind, Clark demanded, "So. Who was this guy? Kid. What was he like? Beautiful? Perfect? Smart? Funny?"

Lex studied Clark for a long moment. He looked confused, but obviously recognized jealousy when he saw it. Settling comfortably on Clark's lap, Lex stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Let's see." He bit his lip, thinking back. The small crease between his eyes was the only indication of how hard it was for him; Lex's main focus was now on placating Clark's jealousy, and Clark knew it. Clark couldn't seem to care; he just needed to know about his predecessor.

"But..." a small voice in his head started, but Clark pushed it away.

Sensing Clark's inner conversation, Lex's head snapped up. Looking alert, he said slowly, "Kal was beautiful. Big blue eyes, black wavy hair. And his skin... all smooth and perfect. Pink cheeks, little bow mouth. Pale at first, but then he got some color and..." Lex trailed off and sucked in a sharp breath.

"What?"

Lex shook his head. "It's just, he looked... he looked like you must have when you were younger. When you first landed. Pale and perfect, until you spent some time in the sun." His frown deepened.

Clarks breath caught. Forcing a laugh, he said, "Yeah, so? You're always pale. Maybe this kid... was another sick kid in the hospital."

"Maybe. Or maybe he..."

"What?" Clark demanded, exasperated. Lex's scrutiny was making him uncomfortable. Wiping his sweaty palms on his shirt, Clark squirmed and said, "What? So, the kid looked like me. So what? First, kids all look the same. Second, maybe you're not remembering it perfectly. I mean, maybe you're going back and remembering things differently; you know he was there, but adding my features."

"Maybe," Lex agreed. "Or maybe..." He broke off, shaking his head. "No. You're right. Maybe. I..." He sighed and continued, "The rest. Let's see. He was about three or four, I guess. Young. And he didn't talk."

"Never?"

"Well, he didn't speak English," Lex corrected. "He said a few words, once in a while, but nothing I could understand. I mean, I figured out what they meant after awhile, but, no. For the most part he didn't talk." A strange look suddenly crossed Lex's face and, once again, his gaze turned to Clark. He looked amazed and a bit scared. "He only said a few words," he repeated slowly. "In an unfamiliar language."

"Which you couldn't understand," Clark pointed out, stomach churning. Tugging the end of his hair, he said, "I don't understand what about him was so special. He couldn't talk, and, yeah, he was beautiful, but... so's Lana and you don't like her. Why..."

Lex took Clark's face between his hands. "Look at me, Clark."

After a moment, Clark did.

"Clark, don't you..." Abruptly, Lex cut himself off. Cocking his head, he softened his voice, adding an undercurrent of amusement and pleasure. "Are you jealous?"

Clenching his jaw, Clark gazed sullenly back into his lover's face. "No. That would be stupid."

"Clark..."

"Ok, yeah. I'm a little jealous, ok? I mean, you're mine." He tugged Lex to him until Lex wrapped his legs around Clark's body. "You're mine."

"Of course." Lex kissed him, parting Clark's lips easily as his tongue slid inside.

Clark broke the kiss. "No," he said insistently. "I mean you're mine." His fingers dug into Lex's lower back hard enough for Lex to hiss in pain.

Nodding, Lex threaded his fingers through Clark's hair and kissed him until he was breathless.

/ I am yours, / Lex whispered in Clark's mind as their mouths worked against each other languidly. / Now and forever. /

/ But not first. /

There was a brief hesitation in which Lex hid something in his mind. Clark was tempted to follow, but Lex ^shoved^ him away from the hidden section.

/ It was different./ Lex told him. / We were children. /

/ Right, / Clark said, a trifle bitterly. He broke the kiss. "And so you loved each other with all your hearts with no reservations. Like kids can love each other. You had with him what I'll never have with you."

For a long moment, Lex didn't say anything.

Pulling away, Clark closed his eyes, resting his head on the seat of the couch.

"It was different then," Lex said softly. "What we had then, it was different. You're right, it was pure and innocent, but love like that can never last. And it isn't meant to. This." Lex picked up Clark's hand and pressed it to his heart. "This is real, Clark. This is better."

"What, it's better that we have all this crap between us?" Clark's hand clenched in Lex's shirt. "Lies and reservations and fears? You're telling me that you prefer our love to the uncomplicated, totally pure one that you had with Kal?"

Lex snorted. "Hell, yes."

Opening his eyes, Clark lifted his head. "Really?"

"Of course. Because this is real. This, what we have, is what I never knew I wanted." He kissed Clark. "It's passion, and love, and sex, and yes, it's hard. Yes, I'm terrified and sometimes just want to leave because I'm afraid something is going to go wrong. But I would never trade what we have for a thousand uncomplicated years with Kal. He is my past. You are my present and future."

Sitting up, Clark grabbed Lex and rolled on top of him, pinning him to the floor. Kissing him passionately, he said, / I love you so much it hurts sometimes. It hurts to think that you might leave. Or that you might get hurt and I won't be there to save you. Or that you'll die someday and I'll be left behind/ The image Cassandra shared with him all those months ago rolled through Clark's mind: Clark alone in a forest of tombstones, everyone he loved dead.

He heard Lex gasp at the pain of the vision, sorrow lancing through them both.

Concentrating, Clark pushed it aside, concentrating on Lex once more. / I'll never give you up, Lex. Never. /

Breaking the kiss, Lex lay his head on the floor, gasping for air. "Never," Lex repeated almost reverently. He gently thrust his hips into Clark's. "Can we... finish our conversation later?"

Grinning, Clark began opening the buttons on Lex's shirt, tongue laving the skin that he uncovered. "Yeah. I think we can for now."

Groaning softly, Lex sighed, "Thank God," which was the last coherent thing he said for quite awhile.

They should have had sex before, Clark decided. Things would have gone a lot smoother if they had. Now that he'd had a few orgasms, Lex was a lot calmer and much more talkative.

"I don't know how Kal got there," Lex was saying, dipping his fingers in the wine glass before him. "I had to go to sleep any time I wanted to go to Kiptin; I don't know if it was the same for him."

"How else would he get there?" Clark opened his mouth as Lex extended his hand and stuck his fingers in it. Then, he obediently closed his lips around the wine soaked digits and sucked.

Lex smiled, twisting his fingers around slightly. "Well, you can will yourself there. Maybe... he could then. Maybe he was a lot like you."

Clark shrugged, his thoughts threatening once more to coalesce. Shaking his head, the image shattered and he remained whole. "Maybe," he said around his mouthful. He pulled away from Lex's fingers. "You said... you said that Kal didn't speak English."

"Nope." He dipped his fingers back in. "I don't know what language he spoke. I've never heard it since, and I have looked."

"Wait, you remember what he said?"

"Yeah. It was only a few words. One of them was Kiptin; he named the place." Lex smiled ruefully, ears turning pink. "Actually, another reason I've been acting a bit off lately is because I've been... never mind."

"Tell me."

"It's silly."

"Lex."

He sighed and lifted his wine soaked fingers into Clark's waiting mouth once more. "I remember what he said, and I've been hearing other people say them."

Clark frowned. "Like who?"

Taking a deep breath, Lex met his eyes. "Like you."

Clark didn't say anything for a long moment.

"Clark, I think..."

"Um, you've been hearing me say them?" Clark interrupted. "Maybe ... maybe you are going crazy." It was a very weak joke backed up by a weak smile.

Lips twitching, Lex shrugged. "Well, maybe."

"Yeah. Maybe." Troubled, Clark looked at the wine glass. Dipping his own fingers in it, he whispered, "Tell me one of the words, Lex." Then he shoved his fingers in his mouth and sucked the wine off hard.

"Ne'yek," Lex said softly.

Rolling his eyes, Clark said, "Just tell me, Lex. It'd be better if you got it off your chest."

"Ne'yek."

"Lex, just tell me!"

"Clark! I am telling you."

Clark's head snapped up. "No. You keep saying no."

Lex smiled bitterly and shook his head. "You're right. I am. Only I'm not saying it in English."

"What?"

"Listen to me, Clark." Lex leaned closer, placing a hand on Clark's. "Ne'yek."

Clark went still. He could hear his heart pounding the word through his blood. Once again, his thoughts quivered and he heard, as if from far away, a woman saying, "Ne'yek. Mov shona tonk divea. Kal-el tonk divea." (No. My son shall live. Kal-El shall live.)

"Clark?"

Clark sat up, scrambling away from Lex. He kept moving until he hit the wall. "Ne'yek," he whimpered as he continued to hear the drama in his mind. The woman talking, loudly, passionately. A low rumble of someone answering her. Cool wind, blowing across his face as he lay in his cradle.

He tried to shove the feeling away, but it refused to go. "Ne'yek. No! I mean, no. I..." He closed his eyes, forcing tears away.

"Clark?"

*They were arguing. A woman and a man. Mother. No, Sheal. That's what she called herself when she held him. "Bita, Kal-El. Sheal tic nori." Mother's here.

They were fighting. Sheal was upset. Yelling. And Clark was in the next room. he could hear them. He didn't know what was going on, only that Sheal was angry. Scared. And so was the other voice. And so was Clark. He started crying, screaming loudly.*

"Angel?" Lex was in front of him, reaching out.

Clark's eyes flew open. His skin was crawling as if trying to adjust physically to the new information. "Bactma!" he hissed, voice low and dangerous.

Stay away.

Lex froze, eyes wide.

When he realized what he had said, Clark all but wailed, "No! Lex.... Lex why? I... I can't..." He broke off as another wave of memory assaulted him.

And there was the woman who'd been floating in and out of Clark's dreams for months. Her face was shadowed as it appeared over the cradle, but she was whispering soothing words. Her voice was soft and melodious. Beautiful. He reached up for her, still crying, his small body shaking and needing comfort.

And Lex had his arms around him, stroking Clark's hair, whispering soothingly. "You crashed on earth, Clark, and your mind found mine. Before you came, I was a telepath, and I could hear everyone. And then, no one, except for Kal. You are Kal."

"No." Clark couldn't accept this. He forced the image of the woman away; it refused to leave, hanging over his thoughts like a heavy blanket.

"Yes. I..." Lex gasped now as Clark lost control of his thoughts, releasing the rough waves of memory in a rush.

"Fuck," Lex hissed, falling. He slammed against the floor, curling into a ball.

*She was whispering to him. Clark was held tightly against his mother's breast, breathing in the familiar cool scent. Dimly, even as the memory played out, other memories overlapped: being bathing, eating, playing. His mother brushing his hair with a soft bristled brush, talking to him all the while. Taking walks down icy cool caverns. Crawling on the floor. Sitting up. Making his parents smile at him fondly.

His childhood. Babyhood.

And then ...*

Clark gasped, mind snapping back into place. "Lex," he croaked, stomach contracting. "What's happening?"

Lex was pale, eyes squeeze shut. One hand flopped limply at Clark as Lex breathed deeply, concentration turned inward. There was a long tense moment where Clark, sweat beading on his forehead, thought that Lex was going to slip permanently into his mind when, abruptly, color flooded back into his face.

Taking a deep and shaky breath, Lex sat up. "Memories," Lex managed to answer. His voice sounded strangled. "You've repressed them, Clark. And I managed to trigger a cascade. I didn't know... I'm sorry."

"No. I was a baby. I... I don't want this, Lex," Clark said helplessly.

Shaking his head, Lex shrugged. "It's your past, Clark. If you wade through enough, maybe you'll find me in there. But don't push it away. Please."

Closing his eyes, Clark felt a stream of tears trickle down his face. The tide returned, enveloping him.

The woman was singing now; Clark could hear her heart beat and the vibrations from the sounds she was making. Clark started to relax in her arms, knowing that everything was going to be all right. Sheal tic nori. Mother was there. Everything would be all right.

Clark began crying quietly.

Lex wiped the tears away. "It's ok, Clark. It's going to be all right," he soothed. He kissed Clark's temple and asked, "What do you see?"

"Sheal," Clark managed in a choked voice.

A tremor ran through Lex. "I remember that word. You said it once. You were crying. Hard. I found you in Kiptin, curled into a ball, sobbing. It was the only time... What does it mean?"

Trembling, Clark whispered, "Mother."

"Of course." Gathering Clark into his arms, Lex held him tightly. "It's ok," he murmured, rocking them. "I'm here with you; I'm not going anywhere. I won't let anything hurt you, Clark. Do you hear me? Nothing. You're mine and I'll protect you. M... Tal chi'ek."

The woman in Clark's head whispered the word as she kissed him on his head. And Clark knew what it meant.

"Mine," he sobbed.

Lex nodded. "Yes," he whispered, half affirmation, half vow.

Burrowing his head against Lex, Clark shuddered.

*Someone else walked into the room and put his arms around the woman. He looked down into Clark's face, then caressed his head with one large hand. Softly, sounding sad, he said something that Clark couldn't understand.

Sheal began crying, but she nodded. "Ton frek al bock divea." ( I want him to live)

The man nodded. "Kal-El tonk divea. Ala borntha toe."* (Kal-El will live. I swear.)

Clark shook his head. "I can see them, Lex," he whispered. "They're sad."

"Who?"

"My p-parents, I guess. My birth parents. I ... I don't want this."

Lex sighed and held him tightly. "You need this."

He cried harder, but still silently. "I can't find you. I don't remember you. You remember Kiptin. I don't. It was new to me. And if I'm really Kal... if I'm really him, then why don't I remember any of it? Why didn't I recognize you? Lex?" Clark felt so lost, even as the pieces fell to place in his mind. He lifted his head, turning to Lex for comfort. "I would have always remembered you."

Kissing him gently on the forehead, Lex asked, "Do you remember when you began to speak English?"

Clark shook his head.

Lex wiped a few tears off Clark's cheeks. "Kal disappeared from Kiptin very suddenly. One day, everything was normal. I was at boarding school then, and I had been talking to him forever about it. How bad it was, how much I missed home and my mother. How everyone made fun of me." His eyes took on a distant expression. "We were sitting in front of the fire. Kal was playing with some toy trucks and action figures. I was playing with them too, but not really. Mostly I needed something to do with my hands while I talked. They were shaking, I remember; that upset Kal. When I first got there, he kept wanting to hold my hands, but I wouldn't let him." Lex laughed slightly. "I was trying to be very nonchalant as I complained, acting as if I didn't care. But Kal knew."

He looked at Clark as if to make sure Clark heard the 'you' in place of Kal. Then he continued. "I was talking, and playing with the toys. You-Kal was listening to me. Then, suddenly, he looked up and said, 'It'll be all right, Lex.'" Laughing, Lex shook his head. "You never spoke, and if you did, it was in the alien language. That was it. And then you said all that, in perfect, accent less English. Like you'd been talking forever."

"What did you do?"

"I looked up at him--you, ecstatic. I was so happy that you were finally talking. I mean, I had figured out what you were saying before, but now you were speaking English. It was great. And then... then you sort of got this funny look on your face. Like I could see something fall into place, but, at the same time, disappear." Lex swallowed hard. "You started fading. Before you were gone, you managed to say, 'Piek Ric, Lex. Monako.' And then you were gone." Lex looked at Clark a little sadly, as if afraid that Clark would disappear again.

The tears continued to flow as Clark mourned for the lost memories. He couldn't remember Kiptin. Couldn't remember whatever happiness he must have felt there. All he could remember was his birth mother's voice, the cradle, the room, and the sense of comfort and contentment. He couldn't understand all the words, or even what was going on, but Clark knew her voice. The mother he never knew he had. He could hear her singing again, his eyes growing heavy. And then she was putting him down, kissing him on the forehead.

When he woke up, he was alone.

Clark gasped for air, head snapping up. His heart was pounding as his mind began to shove everything away. Back to the dark corners of his mind, away from his consciousness. Maybe he'd look at them later. Maybe not. He just couldn't deal with it right now.

"I don't remember Kiptin," he whispered, not looking at Lex.

Clark was Kal. He knew that, had always known that, ever since Lex had first told him about Kiptin. Clark simply hadn't recognized that part of him because it was too alien.

Alien.

"I'm an alien," Clark said softly, helplessly. No matter how much he kept hoping that part of himself would go away, it never did. Never would.

Lex reached for the wine. Gazing at him, Clark could see the sadness etched across his lover's face. His lover and best friend. The first person Clark had ever really, truly, known and understood. Because, even though he'd known and loved his parents, Clark had never known anyone so intimately as Lex.

They were connected, and had been for twelve years. Twelve years and Lex must have been the person who helped Clark understand this world. Clark had invaded Lex's mind and stayed there, marking Lex and making Lex his.

"Tal chi'ek," Clark thought possessively, a hot fire rushing through him.

Lex didn't hear him. He had closed himself off against the painful onslaught of memories Clark had received. Clark could handle them, but Lex could not.

Clark had to make Lex hear him. Had to take the sadness away from his face, and replace it with the joy Clark knew they'd felt when they were children.

Clark wrapped his hand around the wine glass, covering Lex's. "I love you, Lex. Forever," he said softly.

Lex made a small sound and moved closer to Clark. Placing his free hand on Clark's tear stained cheek, he whispered, "Piek Ric, Kal. Monako."



+ Interlude III: Two Steps Forward +
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